I suppose everyone’s heard of writer’s block right? That mysterious psychological ailment that strikes the Jeffery Archer types, making their normally fluid pen-wielding hand go all limp and lifeless….in the process causing the masses untold misery in waiting for the next publication?
Ok….so obviously you have, but has anyone ever heard of a much more infrequent ailment…speaker’s block? No, I don’t mean the stage-fright induced cant-open-my-mouth feeling, the one that causes your mouth to go dry, your knees to become wobbly blobs of jelly, your body to go all aquiver, and having that general feeling of wanting to sink beneath the podium and die greatly enhanced by the fact that your heart has miraculously transformed from living tissue to a ball of lead…..no, I don’t mean all of that, although as you can see I have had some considerable experience with all of the above.
I mean the equally upsetting but less talked about one, of your desperately wanting to say something but your brain generally not co-operating. Before I go further, it should be made clear that I am not talking about reticence either….which is an admirable quality found in the archetypal cowboy that makes him perfectly content chewing a blade of grass and contributing a monosyllabic “Yep” and “Nope” to any conversation that happens his way. I mean the one found in more normal people like you and me, when we know we have to say something, we want to say something…anything…and yet there’s nothing to say.
Well, it’s something I seem to have been born with, actually. It’s like there’s an ‘off’ switch in the part of my head that controls speech which goes…well…off, obviously….at the worst possible moment. Sometimes occurs even when I’m in mid-sentence, so I suddenly forget both, what I was saying and what I wanted to say.
This problem occurs a lot during...but is not limited to...telephonic conversations. The only talks I really enjoy are when the person at the other end is..well...has tendencies towards higher than normal levels of verbosity, to put it suavely (is a blabbermouth, to put it crudely). No, I'm not being sarcastic, really...I really do enjoy these conversations. I've perfected the art of listening carefully to every word, contributing the occasional thoughtful "hmmmm...." at appropriate intervals, while at the same time making a mental note of interesting points that if put forth can spark off further frenzied dialogues (or monologues, if you will). To give you an example:
Far end of phone: Yakkety yakkety yak.....went to XYZ's house yesterday...yakkety yakkety yak....
Me: Umhmmm...umhmm...ahaan...
Far end: yakkety....at office today....yakk...{then sudden silence as topic is over}
Me: {In a flash of brilliance, putting 2 and 2 together} So, XYZ works in your office right??
Far end: Of course not! XYZ is...yakkety yakkety....and so forth.
Ahh...blissful conversation at its best. At the end of it all, not only am I that much more in touch with my friend, I can also congratulate myself for 'talking' on the phone for hours together.
Speaker's Block, however, is best illustrated when my co-conversationalist (is there a shorter word for the above??) happens to be of the more normal types, who thrives on 2 sides contributing to a meaningful dialogue. For instance:
Far end: Blah Blah...yada yada
Me: Blah Blah...yada yada
Far end: Blah...yada...blah?
Me: {Inevitable attack of SB}..Umhmm..umhmm..ahaan..{But this time, internal struggle going: think..think I say...say SOMEthing!!}
Far end:{not being well equipped to carry on single-handed talk} So....wellllll...
Me: ehhhhhhhhh...siighhhh
Far end: .....{bewildered by sudden influx of unintelligible sounds, falls silent}
Me: {in an attempt to salvage the conversation} Shu shu shu shu shuuuu {slight humming tone}
Another flash of brilliance...picked up this technique while handling customer service calls many years ago. Whenever I hadn't the foggiest of what the customer was talking about, I would do the "shu..shu.." bit, and the customer, moron that he was for thinking in the first place that I was capable of solving his problem, would assume I was humming while working away on the computer and would wait patiently, thus buying me more time.
So, to get back to the point...
Me: Shu shu shu shu shuuuu......
Far end: {rather naive, but obviously not as dumb as customer} What the hell's wrong with you? Why your making all these noises?
Sigh....another attempt at communication down the drain!
But that’s relatively alright...after all, friends are supposed to understand each other, and there are much better ways of communicating. I mean, all we have to do is head to the nearest pub and after a magical hour or two emerge bosom buddies all over again. Even better, a few gulps of the heavenly liquid has the same wondrous effect on SB that Vicks cough syrup has on the wicked 'gale ki khich-khich'.
No, the real disaster is when when SB raises its evil head during official conversations. Like this time I had to attend a 3-way conference call with my client in the US and Project Manager in Hyd.
US Client: So, your deliverables are....yakkety yakkety....
Hyd PM: Yes, yes, we promise you an SLA of...yakkety yakkety...
Me: ..Umhmm...umhmm..ahaan..
...And so on. The two sides carried on back and forth, while I happily followed the conversation. It was like listening to a tennis match...ears going this way and that.
The only issue was, after one hour, the client suddenly remembered there's this other bloke on the call who also happens to be on her payroll for some insane reason or the other.
US Client: Kaushik, are you there???
Me: {Sudden panic attack, and internal admonition starts: Shit! Shit!! You dolt! Why did you forget to say umhmm for the last 40 min?? Now think..THINK I say...}
US Client: {completely unaware of my internal turmoil} Kaushik? You there?? Hello???
Me: {in my most reassuring voice} Oh yes, of course I'm here...it’s not like I have a choice, right? (Last part, by the way, was stated in a fairly inaudible tone)
Client: Uh…Ok...so what did you think of my proposal to...yak yak?
Me: {still unable to score a victory over SB: Oh Goddd oh goddd oh godd oh goddd...perhaps if I stay silent she'll eventually forget I'm here..}
HYD PM, getting into the act: Kaushik! Why don’t you answer her questions???
Me: Err........Shu shu shu shu shuuuu?
So, I suppose you can guess what the end to that unhappy incident was :-(
It’s purely to eliminate career threatening incidents like this, that I advocate a bar counter in every office in place of the coffee machine...but this is where office-politics comes in. When the boss thinks up some weird solution at will take sales up by a measly 53.56%, he's credited with "thinking out of the box" and promptly given an office car and a bungalow in Banjara Hills...while such innovative suggestions from employees, nothing short of genius, I say, result in demotion from Assistant-Vice-Deputy-Manager to Sub-Assistant-Deputy-Vice-Manager.
To get back to the point, I'm not saying, by any means, that SB only happens over the phone. At least there I have the option of discreetly pressing the disconnect button and then blaming the government anarchy for the deplorable state of telephone lines across the country.
It’s much worse when it happens during face-to-face conversations. I won't describe the process in detail, but anyone who's watched the Friends episode where Ross tries to maintain a conversation with Phoebe’s husband Mike, will have an idea of the suffering I go through. Of course, being the resourceful chap I am, I try various visual techniques of trying to steer my...umm...co-conversationalist's (I really have to find a better word!!) attention away from the talk. Techniques, for instance, like twitching my left nostril, raising my left and right eyebrows alternately and trying to look at the centre of my nose with both eyes simultaneously. I've never succeeded in the last one, but trust me; it does produce a startling visual effect. Only issue is, my friends are too dense to grasp the inner meaning behind all of this, and I've ended up with the reputation of being a cross-eyed twit.
So...there you have it. SB scores its final victory…my personal and professional life are in shambles, and I’m desperately trying to convince everyone I'm not one of nature's dim-witted freaks. Well, as I can see it...there's only one long-term solution to keep from being permanently misunderstood by all of humanity...keep blogging! ;-)
Ok….so obviously you have, but has anyone ever heard of a much more infrequent ailment…speaker’s block? No, I don’t mean the stage-fright induced cant-open-my-mouth feeling, the one that causes your mouth to go dry, your knees to become wobbly blobs of jelly, your body to go all aquiver, and having that general feeling of wanting to sink beneath the podium and die greatly enhanced by the fact that your heart has miraculously transformed from living tissue to a ball of lead…..no, I don’t mean all of that, although as you can see I have had some considerable experience with all of the above.
I mean the equally upsetting but less talked about one, of your desperately wanting to say something but your brain generally not co-operating. Before I go further, it should be made clear that I am not talking about reticence either….which is an admirable quality found in the archetypal cowboy that makes him perfectly content chewing a blade of grass and contributing a monosyllabic “Yep” and “Nope” to any conversation that happens his way. I mean the one found in more normal people like you and me, when we know we have to say something, we want to say something…anything…and yet there’s nothing to say.
Well, it’s something I seem to have been born with, actually. It’s like there’s an ‘off’ switch in the part of my head that controls speech which goes…well…off, obviously….at the worst possible moment. Sometimes occurs even when I’m in mid-sentence, so I suddenly forget both, what I was saying and what I wanted to say.
This problem occurs a lot during...but is not limited to...telephonic conversations. The only talks I really enjoy are when the person at the other end is..well...has tendencies towards higher than normal levels of verbosity, to put it suavely (is a blabbermouth, to put it crudely). No, I'm not being sarcastic, really...I really do enjoy these conversations. I've perfected the art of listening carefully to every word, contributing the occasional thoughtful "hmmmm...." at appropriate intervals, while at the same time making a mental note of interesting points that if put forth can spark off further frenzied dialogues (or monologues, if you will). To give you an example:
Far end of phone: Yakkety yakkety yak.....went to XYZ's house yesterday...yakkety yakkety yak....
Me: Umhmmm...umhmm...ahaan...
Far end: yakkety....at office today....yakk...{then sudden silence as topic is over}
Me: {In a flash of brilliance, putting 2 and 2 together} So, XYZ works in your office right??
Far end: Of course not! XYZ is...yakkety yakkety....and so forth.
Ahh...blissful conversation at its best. At the end of it all, not only am I that much more in touch with my friend, I can also congratulate myself for 'talking' on the phone for hours together.
Speaker's Block, however, is best illustrated when my co-conversationalist (is there a shorter word for the above??) happens to be of the more normal types, who thrives on 2 sides contributing to a meaningful dialogue. For instance:
Far end: Blah Blah...yada yada
Me: Blah Blah...yada yada
Far end: Blah...yada...blah?
Me: {Inevitable attack of SB}..Umhmm..umhmm..ahaan..{But this time, internal struggle going: think..think I say...say SOMEthing!!}
Far end:{not being well equipped to carry on single-handed talk} So....wellllll...
Me: ehhhhhhhhh...siighhhh
Far end: .....{bewildered by sudden influx of unintelligible sounds, falls silent}
Me: {in an attempt to salvage the conversation} Shu shu shu shu shuuuu {slight humming tone}
Another flash of brilliance...picked up this technique while handling customer service calls many years ago. Whenever I hadn't the foggiest of what the customer was talking about, I would do the "shu..shu.." bit, and the customer, moron that he was for thinking in the first place that I was capable of solving his problem, would assume I was humming while working away on the computer and would wait patiently, thus buying me more time.
So, to get back to the point...
Me: Shu shu shu shu shuuuu......
Far end: {rather naive, but obviously not as dumb as customer} What the hell's wrong with you? Why your making all these noises?
Sigh....another attempt at communication down the drain!
But that’s relatively alright...after all, friends are supposed to understand each other, and there are much better ways of communicating. I mean, all we have to do is head to the nearest pub and after a magical hour or two emerge bosom buddies all over again. Even better, a few gulps of the heavenly liquid has the same wondrous effect on SB that Vicks cough syrup has on the wicked 'gale ki khich-khich'.
No, the real disaster is when when SB raises its evil head during official conversations. Like this time I had to attend a 3-way conference call with my client in the US and Project Manager in Hyd.
US Client: So, your deliverables are....yakkety yakkety....
Hyd PM: Yes, yes, we promise you an SLA of...yakkety yakkety...
Me: ..Umhmm...umhmm..ahaan..
...And so on. The two sides carried on back and forth, while I happily followed the conversation. It was like listening to a tennis match...ears going this way and that.
The only issue was, after one hour, the client suddenly remembered there's this other bloke on the call who also happens to be on her payroll for some insane reason or the other.
US Client: Kaushik, are you there???
Me: {Sudden panic attack, and internal admonition starts: Shit! Shit!! You dolt! Why did you forget to say umhmm for the last 40 min?? Now think..THINK I say...}
US Client: {completely unaware of my internal turmoil} Kaushik? You there?? Hello???
Me: {in my most reassuring voice} Oh yes, of course I'm here...it’s not like I have a choice, right? (Last part, by the way, was stated in a fairly inaudible tone)
Client: Uh…Ok...so what did you think of my proposal to...yak yak?
Me: {still unable to score a victory over SB: Oh Goddd oh goddd oh godd oh goddd...perhaps if I stay silent she'll eventually forget I'm here..}
HYD PM, getting into the act: Kaushik! Why don’t you answer her questions???
Me: Err........Shu shu shu shu shuuuu?
So, I suppose you can guess what the end to that unhappy incident was :-(
It’s purely to eliminate career threatening incidents like this, that I advocate a bar counter in every office in place of the coffee machine...but this is where office-politics comes in. When the boss thinks up some weird solution at will take sales up by a measly 53.56%, he's credited with "thinking out of the box" and promptly given an office car and a bungalow in Banjara Hills...while such innovative suggestions from employees, nothing short of genius, I say, result in demotion from Assistant-Vice-Deputy-Manager to Sub-Assistant-Deputy-Vice-Manager.
To get back to the point, I'm not saying, by any means, that SB only happens over the phone. At least there I have the option of discreetly pressing the disconnect button and then blaming the government anarchy for the deplorable state of telephone lines across the country.
It’s much worse when it happens during face-to-face conversations. I won't describe the process in detail, but anyone who's watched the Friends episode where Ross tries to maintain a conversation with Phoebe’s husband Mike, will have an idea of the suffering I go through. Of course, being the resourceful chap I am, I try various visual techniques of trying to steer my...umm...co-conversationalist's (I really have to find a better word!!) attention away from the talk. Techniques, for instance, like twitching my left nostril, raising my left and right eyebrows alternately and trying to look at the centre of my nose with both eyes simultaneously. I've never succeeded in the last one, but trust me; it does produce a startling visual effect. Only issue is, my friends are too dense to grasp the inner meaning behind all of this, and I've ended up with the reputation of being a cross-eyed twit.
So...there you have it. SB scores its final victory…my personal and professional life are in shambles, and I’m desperately trying to convince everyone I'm not one of nature's dim-witted freaks. Well, as I can see it...there's only one long-term solution to keep from being permanently misunderstood by all of humanity...keep blogging! ;-)
Comments
Oh, and I shall shortly be suing you for slander.